the story room

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Maybe "home" is changing

I think I'm growing up.

I've been home the past couple weeks, on Christmas vacation. I've been craving this extended time with my family, but at the same time, I don't think I fit here like I used to.

It's not like spending time here is anything new...even during the semester, since school is so close to home, I'm here at least once a week. But something's different.

I feel like I'm a visitor here. My place at the table belongs to my sister's boyfriend now. I don't have a bed here anymore...Steph asked me if it'd be ok to get rid of it (though I admit, it was my fault for saying was dumb...I knew it'd make her happy, though). Even when I'm doing everything I can to be helpful, I'm made to feel like I'm in the way.

It's not everybody here who's making me feel this way - mostly just Steph and her boyfriend (who doesn't really live here, but might as well). My parents and brothers have been really cool, and they love having me here. Still, it's getting harder and harder to call this place mine.

I've been trying to think of Jesus, and how he never had a home. I think about Him when I get bumped from my spot at the table, or when I sleep on the couch, or when I'm told that this isn't my home anymore. I try not to care about the things that used to be mine here, but it's hard.

I guess the issue here really isn't my house here, because in a little over a week, I'll be back at school and more or less on my own. The issue is my heart.

I'm learning not to hold so tightly to things that aren't really mine. I'm learning to be at home because of the people I'm with, and not because of the space I have. I'm learning to be grateful for the blessings God's given me instead of feeling sad about what I don't have anymore.

I admit, I haven't been doing a very good job of this so far, and I've been fighting these lessons with many tears. But at night when I'm laying down, I hear God's voice very clearly, and I know His hand is in this, and He's calling me to something new.

I don't want things to change, but they are changing. May God have mercy on me and help me to take it all in stride, finding my home in Him, no matter what else happens.

(And in fairness to Steph, she's been letting me sleep in her bed this week.)


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